stuff about stuff [24 Aug 2006|12:02pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | phish ] i havent wrote in this thing in forever, but i'm going to try journaling while i'm at school this year. I bet it'll help with my typing and/or writing skill ... we shall see! so before i left for school i had a rocky time. a real rocky time. kendall basically got her ass handed to her by seth. and boy OH boy did that suck ... i know because, i'm kendall! ahaha ... i'm going crazy. anyway, the story goes: my parents were going away to our family cabin in maine on saturday, august 5th. i had to go late because i had our championship swim meet at the jenny Thompson pool in dover on sunday afternoon (GO GCST!!!). well, seth said that he was going to sleep at his friend natalies house on saturday night so he could get to the pool early for my race the following day. needless to say when it came time for my race sunday, he wasnt there. he came shortly after and watched the rest of my swims. he was in a really bad mood though and kept snapping at me, making fun of everyone at the swim meet, etc.etc. he was basically being an asshole: in typical seth fashion. i felt like he was trying to make my experience about him. he was being really selfish and didnt care that it was MY championship meet. its like he came to support me but all he did was bring me down. well, when we got back to my place he started saying he was gonna go see his friend kaes for a couple hours after we ate. i didnt say anythign but then he asked what was wrong and i told him. kaes saw him all week long and i didnt see him at all. i had a really bad day for racing and was bummed. my parents were out of town and i just wanted to lay low with my boyfriend. well, again, in typical seth behavior: he went to kaeses. but he gave me a kiss goodbye and said that he would be back in 2 hours. and that we would go to bed early after swimming so we could get up early for maine. yeah he sucks because he called an hour later from MOLLYS (???) cell phone and said "uhh yeah. im not going to maine tomorrow" and when i asked why he said because he didnt want to. but hed talk to me later and hung up on me. i called back and he said that hed be over around 10 and would at least spend the night but he was being really nasty to me about. go figure: seth never showed. never called. and thats how we broke up. thats how it all finally ended. i went to maine the next day (my add had to drive back and come get me) and didnt have service all week. i called him a week later so we could meet up and he could pay me back the money he owes me and give me the rest of my stuff. he said we'd ahve lunch the following day, or the one after that, and he'd call me. it almost sounded like he didnt think we were broken up until i was like, "yeah. i need all my stuff." but who knows with him... it doesnt matter though. cause again, in typical seth fashion: he never called. and we never did have that lunch. and then i left for Atlanta. i'll finish this in a couple hours! 1 Stripped talk back

liar liar pants on fire [30 Apr 2006|05:33pm] [ mood | embarrassed ] [ music | nothing ] nobody means what they say and what they do mean they wont say. talk back

lifes just that ironic [29 Apr 2006|12:27pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | emo ] i've come to the conclusion that seth was right about mike, and mike was right about seth. they each thought that the other was an asshole. talk back

thanks becca [18 Apr 2006|10:08am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | "if youre going through hell, keep on going." ] this is that thing that becca tagged me for where you have to write 6 things/quirks about yourself. i tagg some other people. like, you. so go do it. 1. i'm unbelievably afraid of death or abandonment of any kind. so much, in fact, that i think about how much it scares me a minimum of once a day. i have panic attcaks far too often. 2. i like to travel. whenever im in a panic, or whenever im not, i just like to travel. it always makes me feel better. (ex)easter sunday i was having a huge panic attack about how seth left and he loved me so everyone who loves me could potentially leave and that reminded me of death. so, then i started freaking out about dying and trying to solve it, like, figure out what happens when you die. i was a mess. so, i bought a ticket o west palm beach, florida and arrived here last night. it helped a bit. i met a 5 year old named kristopher (yes, with a k) on the plane and we played rock, paper, scissors for hours. he helped me understand life more, and im not even kidding. 3. swimming is my "safe place". whenever anything in life goes wrong, going to the pool always manages to make it that much more barable (is that the word im searching for?). i forget about the bad things and just concentrate all my energies of what is im doing. like when he who we shall not speak of broke up with me. on a voicemail. nice one. but, yeah. i cried hysterically for 2 days and then i through water on my face and called scarlette (a friend of mine - the aquatics director at the ywca - who i had not talked to in about 2 years) and said i was having a hard time with life and needed to volunteer ... so i did. i remember that day tecahing a little girl how to do the butterfly. she was so excited, it seemed - to her anyway - that she was on top of the world and sense she could do butterfly, she could do anything. well, i remember thinking that maybe this is how it was suposed to happen. that maybe teaching that little girl to swim on that saturday night was more important that anything that couldve or wouldve happened between seth and i if we had been together that night. that if i was with seth- i wouldnt have been around to teach that girl how to swim. and that realization made things smile ... just a little bit. 4. i want to be a good person. i havent exactly figured out what that encompasses yet, but i know i want to be one. i want to be kind to people, forgive people who have done me wrong, advise people who need help, and things like that. i want to be passionate, spiritual, spunky, friendly, fun. i just want to be a good person. 5. it makes me angry that we dont take care of the planet. it makes me so mad. we need to start doing that. i know it sounds geeky, but its so important. 6. i like chocolate. a lot. ok, so that ones not very "important", but i do. i like it. 2 Stripped talk back

[24 Feb 2006|03:38pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | nothing ] i can never say that i didn't love seth. in fact, i can't really say that i don't love him now, but what i can say is that "the more i learned about him, the less warmth i felt for him." it's so hard to explain this because at fist it was the exact oposite. the stuff learned about him made me love him ... but then again, it wasn't until the last few months that i discovered the truely bad stuff ... the stuff that stung the heart in such a way that i didn't know anything could and led to tears and late nights alone ... he's selfish. he's a coward. he's a liar. he made me cry, stood me up, ditched me, made fun of me, and didn't seem appreciative of the things that i did for him. i spent SO MUCH MONEY ON HIM! between his snakes, food for his snakes, food for him, clothes for him ... and guess what id ask in return? just for him to be nice to me. and to make lans with me maybe 2-3 times a week and not ditch me ... then i'm accused of beng a bitch and throwing the money thing in his face? whatever. this kid ... and yes, i said it ... KID ... had a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do even at 24. i wasn't contolling .. i just wanted to be respected. when i hung out with jessie and i told her dsome of the things that went on she was shocked because "that isnt the old seth". and she's right ... he changed and i reacted to his changes. he never ... ever ... before we came here for christmas treated me the way that he did december - february ... it's ok that we aren't together because this guy .... i dont even know him. the seth i love got lost somewhere between louisiana and massachusetts ... fuck him. fuck him. talk back

[22 Feb 2006|10:17pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | kelley clarkson ] " ... and if he never calls again, i wll always think of him fondly ... as an asshole." talk back

[17 Feb 2006|05:26pm] [ mood | crappy ] i miss him so much. i want to call him all the time just to tell him something that happened or to ask him a question or to just to say "i love you" like i used to ... but i cant. guys, it's killing me. most times i'm ok now, but i still think about him absolutely every second. i dont understand... he said he loved me and that he would never leave me. he told me that i was one of the best things that ever happened to him and that he was so in love. he said someday he wanted to marry me ... and then he just stopped talking to me. i meant all those things when i said them to him, so how am i just supposed to "get over it". ive never hurt like this. why doesnt he miss me or want me or love me ... i wonder everyday. i miss my baby :-( i dont know how to make this feeling go away. i'm trying so hard. talk back

toilettes [15 Dec 2005|12:43am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | baby doll - pat green ] seth and i smoked because we were arguing about what to eat cause he wanted dominoes and i hate dominoes but he said that if i smoked it would be the best pizza ever. so we did. and it was. and then for some reason we started talking about public restrooms and he was all "i dont use those EVER" and i thought it was hilarious because that means that he's my little painsy boyfriend ... my little purple-tights wearin' germiphobe ... i kept making fun of him. how can you not use the bathroom if you have to? it doesnt even matter if its gross - when you gotta go, you gotta go! you wipe the piss off the seat with mounds of toilette paper and then sit on more piles of fresh toilette paper and do your business...thats how it goes. safter we started calling peopple because he said that absolutely nobody uses public restrooms and i wnated to prove him wrong. i called erin. she was confused. i love her. following this we came in gave eachother messages and such. ilovemyboyfriend. PS. I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH SCHOOL UNTIL LIKE OVER A MONTH ... FUCK YES! you people better be calling me daily to hang out when i arrive in the massachusetts. 2 Stripped talk back

oh no :-( [05 Dec 2005|05:05pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | '80's ] i'm in a really pessimistic mood and have been for a pretty long time now. all i want to do is go out every night and sleep everyday ... i dont even care about school, swimming, or people anymore. i just want to have fun again and lately it seems like i can only have an okay time when i drink or smoke because then i tend to forget about everything else that is wrong. so many things are wrong. like where am i going to live when i go home? my bedroom at my house would be an awesome solution, except i seriously can't not sleep next to seth ... i know that living with him is sometimes hard, but i cant not do it. its just not possible. but really, what choice do i have, right? i could maybe get an appartment with tiffany, but how would i get around? she's not always going to be there to drive me places and i cant fool myself into thinking that she would be. another thing with these appartments ... they cost money - my parents house does not. i just don't know. i miss my bedroom but im not ready for rules again, like "if seth sleeps over his ass gets the couch" - thats just bananas! theres way more problems than jut that though ... way more ... talk back

i took this because i take things [18 Nov 2005|08:07am] [ mood | sick ] [ music | oc soundtrack ] Three Things Three things that scare me: 1: tornados and category 5 hurricanes ... heh 2: murderers and rapists 3: the dark Three people who make me laugh: 1: dad 2: uncle glen 3: seth Three Things I love: 1: my birthday! 2: warm weather 3: sleeping next to seth Three Things I hate: 1: anxiety and panic attacks 2: asthma 3: idiots Three things I don't understand: 1: geometry. i hated sophomore year. 2: how sex is "just sex" to some people 3: why my right arm hurts right now. Three things on my desk: 1: laptop 2: university of tennessee directory 3: aleve Three things I'm doing right now: 1: wearing a sweatshirt 2: typing on the computer 3: getting ready to skip english and go back to bed cause i feel like shit. Three things I want to do before I die: 1: get married to seth and build our house and it will be so pretty so there. 2: become WICKED successful and wealthy 3: graduate graduate school :-) Three things I can do: 1: swim 2: take really long naps 3: love my boyfriend Three ways to describe my personality: 1: crazy 2: pessimistic 3: impetuous Three things I can't do: 1: put on book covers 2: cook 3: not love my boyfriend Take this survey | Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d talk back

damn it [09 Nov 2005|09:12am] [ mood | angry ] [ music | george strait ] i got my english papers back today. an A and a C+ what the fuck. im mad. real mad. mad like this: utdftudfjtufuygfvyvyfyfyugvyfyguyg a yelling in a pillow kinda mad. C+'s are not ok. talk back

weujhkfiuerljhfuilrehfiu [09 Nov 2005|12:22am] [ music | seth snoring cause he hates me ] i was very sleepy monday morning and i had asthma problems all last weekend, but i did go to english. god knows fucking why ... so i could listen to that fucking southern girl talk and say things like "llllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIkkkkkkkkccckkkkeeeeee". stop stretching out your words. talk like youre not slow. OHMYGOD seth just pissed me off soooooooooo incredibly much so. hes going to bed and he was supposed to kiss me and stuff but is instead going to sleep because his back hurts and hes tired ... "well sorry you dont have a job" ... im in school so kiss my ass since you obviously wont be kissing anything else tonight. rhffhuidsgfiuwdefburfvddvfuivewufvuervfuerwfuervfuierfvurebecfurebfur. ANYWAY i shouldnt have gone because of that slow talking redneck southern belle awful brownheaded girl in the front row and because stacey (the teacher) woke up late so she just gave us a library assignment ... which ps i didnt do ... due by tomorrow. it was lame. im getting two papers back tomorrow and if they arent As im going to burn them in a massive fire. i got a 96 on my cultural anthropology test. that means im smart. i want to transfer. i have no money ... but thats a whole different journal thing. ps i love tiffany marie mckenzie and i like erin a fucking wicked lot and lis is awesome alexis too ok i quit no more my amanda is afuckingmazing 2 Stripped talk back

but if you never try, then you'll never know [01 Nov 2005|01:56pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | real world ] lately i've been feeling dissapointed towards myself. im confused because i do want to travel and i do want to see new things, but if thats true then why do i want to go home? i just dont know. i've always wanted to go far away but now all i want is home. maybe its like the wizard of oz ... you want the land far far away "beyond the moon, beyond the rain" but then you come to relize that you never appreciated home fo what it was and it has all you ever needed in the first place. maybe i want to traavel and see things, but ultimately come back to massachusetts. or maybe im just talking out of my ass. idontevenunderstandmyself. 1 Stripped talk back

periodsandhalloween [29 Oct 2005|07:10am] [ mood | sick ] [ music | seth breathing ] i have the worst cramps ever so i cant sleep. tonight was mine and seths halloween night, which kinda ended up not being as planned ... but i loved it anyway. this morning i went to english and he went to court for a speeding ticket. we are doing voice essays in english next week and im gonna try really hard not to say "like" because that bothers me. theres this girl katie in my class who is definitley from small town, tennessee, usa. its kinda funny because listening to her talk always makes me laugh, so whenever she talks i laugh ... and then i think she gets mad at me for laughing at her, but its not like that. when she says her name its like: KAY-DEE. its hilarious. after english i went to starbucks and had naked juice and that makes me wicked pumped because i love naked juice. thats a whole pound of fruit! one whole pound! talk about insanity. im trying to fight away any possible chance of getting the flu so i drannk "vitamin c - immune system" tropical blast. it tasted like orange and pineapple cocktail. you guys should definitely try it. its worth the 3 dollars. seth and i splurged and went to the olive garden for lunch and i forgot to take my left overs. i hate it when that happens... it ruins it because 30 minutes later when youre watching law and order and you want the rest of your pasta - its just not there. we had two redneck middle-aged men sitting behind us and i felt bad for the waitress. he kept ordering her around and saying "much obliged" afterwards - GET BACK ON THE FARM, FAT BOY! we took a nap together until 730 but he gave me a massage first because my boyfriends better than yours. after we woke up we went to campus to get this laptop, got alcohol for james and jonathan, got bread, mushrooms, and pumpkins, and rented "nightmare one elm street" (i cant watch it. still havent. its the scariest movie to me) and "pumpkinhead" - which freaked me out as well. seth made spagaetti and then we watched law and order and pumpkinhead and went to bed at 3am except i wke up at 6 and took a hot bath because my fucking crams hurt. fuckingperiods. talk back

ilovemylifereallyidoexceptnotreallyatfuckingall [27 Oct 2005|10:01pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | air mattress blowing up ] seth approximately 1 week ago: "You dont think I'd go anywhere to be with you? Of course I would." seth approximately 3 minutes ago: "If you go to New York, I won't date you." talk back

the choices [27 Oct 2005|06:27pm] [ mood | grumpy ] [ music | nothng ] it has been decided that im transfering ... but it has not been decided where. here our the options: 1) northeastern: the co-op program is amazing. its in boston which is fucking the best. but it also costs about a bagillion dollars a year. 2) umass dartmouth: divison 3 swimming, which i like. its only like 2 hours from home ... but its not "the city that i always wanted". it will be cheap: thank you umass resident stuff. 3) clark: its in worcester which is a city, but kinda dirty. its a major criminal justice school which im totally into. it has division 3 swimming ... yay. BUT its also like a bagillion and a half dollars a year because its private just like northeastern. 4) john jay school of criminal justice: is in new york city. that is awesome. it has a forensic psychology major and criminal justice and has a similar thing to northeasterns co-op. its division 3 swimming. it costs about 4000 in tuition. but it doesnt have on campus housing ... id ahve to find either off campus or dorm at another college. its 4 hours away from home and i miss seth already. heeeeellllllllppphelphelphelp help helphelp help those are my rants for the day. 7 Stripped talk back

whatthefuck [26 Oct 2005|09:13am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | natalie imbruglia ] north cold. south warm. i think tennessee is confused. 2 Stripped talk back

privateer place and mold [26 Oct 2005|06:58am] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | john lennon ] i finally finished that fucking english paper ... a day late ... but its done and i am way wicked excited about that. i cant even teeeellllll you. muahahahhahaa. so i was really bored yesterday kinda because seth was watching "Dawn of the Dead", which ive already seen, wih his friend eric who isnt half bad and his stupid girlfriend amber who wears pink polos with the popped collar and banana republic knee length skirts, eats fruit at mcdonalds, is insanely quiet and i haaaattttteeeeeeeee her. other than all that i dont necessarily have a reason, but i dont need one. i'll think of one later. anyway, back ot my point, i decided to go through my aol email account that i havent read in fooorrrreeevvvveerrr and i had 213 emails. one of those emails was a letter from privateer place, my appatments in new orleans, letting me know that i have a week: from october 26th - november 7th to go collect my stuff but ... "While some of the units have remained undamaged with the doors locked, most have not. We are sad to advise that you should expect that your personal property has been damaged by the storm or subjected to looting. Some of you will be lucky, but most will not." fucking beautiful. i need to go see though. all my pictures from my entire life, my yearbook, my letters, and dads tax return information are/were in there ... im super depressed and excited at the same time if thats even possible. they also told me i needed gloves and a face mask to protect myself from the harmful effecs of the possibly sickening mold. awesome. i have class in an hour. wooohhhoooooo talk back

too earrrllllylyylylylylylyllyly [24 Oct 2005|07:29am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | your face ] so my roomate anna moved out!! yayyayyay. i fucking love having my own room. mostly just because people annoy me and its nice to be by yourself sometimes. i definitely aprove. its kinda empty in here now though ... if i was staying next semester maybe id decorate, but im not! fuck yeaaaahhhh. woohhhooooo. no more middle america for kennndddddddaaaaalllllllllllll. its too early, why am i hyper? i have an english class at 8 that i must go to. i didnt finish my paper. i'll hand it in tomorrow. its a damn good paper too, so its ok that its late. thats my rationalization. i ahve philosophy at 9, but i dont go to philosophy. so there. after english i will return to my bed sleep and fucking love it! ps. i hate tennessee pps. i love how seth and i have the best nights ever. he made me breakfast! bacon and cheese omlette with a side order of bacon ... im a geek. i must go. the end. 1 Stripped talk back

if youre ready to be my everything ... COME BACK WITH ME [21 Oct 2005|09:21am] [ mood | envious ] [ music | fefe dobson ... ahahhahahahha ] im just like erin now!! a livejournal whore. lj sluts 4lyf yo <3 yeah so im a retard. i just got back from english and i talked to la prof. she went on and on about what a good writer i am and how my "style is so scholarly and theres nothing about it i should change" which kinda made me feel better about this second paper. i think i have a decent thesis and outline, so we'll see where i end up. OH! and i only have 4 absences ... and three of them dont even count because you get "3 free" ... so fucking excited, she had me scared there for a second. i want boston. anyway! i called my dad yesterday and told him i was comming home this and that blabla and he said i wasnt allowed home unless i came back with a minimum of 12 college credits, so it looks like i'll at least be finishing out the semester here in orange country. i think seths kinda annoyed with me because everytime he kinda almost gets settled somewhere i pick up and leave, but im just not the southern girl i thought i was. i call it temporary insanity. NORTH FOREVER! KILL THE Y'ALLS beat them silly, 1 Stripped talk back

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